So, I prep myself to re-watch these episodes thinking they’ll be just as awesome as when I was 10 and anxiously waited for it to air every Saturday afternoon at 2pm. It was great; now, not so much. Now, it’s just funny. Really REALLY funny.
P.S. From what I remember there is no continuity whatsoever so don’t expect anything to have a followup. In those situations, just make something up. It will probably be better than what would have actually happened. So here goes…
Five seconds into the opening credits and we’re given several clips from upcoming episodes and I can already tell that the outfits and the acting will be incredibly amusing. (Just an FYI, the opening credits clock in at exactly 1 minute. Why? Why would you waste ONE WHOLE minute on a 20 minute show. Whatever).
The first scene begins with the twins driving up to school in a red jeep (this is so not the “red fiat spider” I was always jealous of, just because it sounded cool [now that I've Google-d it, not so much]). I’m going to assume they’re on their way to a dance, because really, there’s not a whole lot else they do. Liz wishes Jessica “good luck” on something and Jessica claims that she doesn’t need it. Since we are given no further information regarding this at this point I can only assume its luck for slutting it up to the max. Let’s see… They seem to park at a stop sign. Now it’s confirmed it’s a dance, just look at all the HIGH SCHOOL DANCE GUESTS – and on that note, why are they so dressed up. What was the dress code here? What’s the age limit as well?! Old parent like (for these people); 10 year old female (like Liz and Enid (to be pictured later) or like an actual high schooler (Jessica — also to be pictured later):
Unfortunately because the show is only
20 minutes, I mean 19 minutes, the producers/writers don’t have time to explain just how different the twins are on the inside, regardless of how similar they are on the outside. Luckily, they get to show us (and vaguely throw it into conversations!) as the twins go to the entrance of the gym (I think). Liz shows up in her standard pink sweater which I know we’re going to see several times over the course of the season over a baby doll dress which I guess isn’t as bad as it could be. The best part of the outfit: the white socks with brown boots, which honestly don’t go with anything; not the outfit she wore to the dance, and not any other outfit she owns. Jessica on the other hand shows up in a kinda nice black outfit and strappy heels. There, that’s pretty much the biggest difference needed to know about the twins. One dresses all tight and skimpy, and the other dresses like she’s a confused boy who’s playing dress up with girl clothes but still has that boy-mentality when it comes to clothes.
Anyway, so the twins enter the gym, pose at the entrance. You think it’s going to be like those scenes where the prettiest girls or the hottest guy walks into the party and everyone’s jaw drops open because they took the time out of their busy lives to be at THIS event, but no, that doesn’t happen. So, post pose, they each cross over each other to walk in opposite directions, with Elizabeth galloping away. Then Lila and unknown black girl walk in (taking care of 80s ethnic diversity (which btw, Latino Manny isn’t shown entering because he’s providing the music for this shindig), followed by Enid (who looks around for her one friend) and she looks pretty disheartened that no one there likes her but suddenly hears a “hey Enid” and her eyes brighten and who I can only assume to be Liz calling her summons her over and Enid goes like a faithful puppy. Then we have Todd and Winston (which makes me wonder, if Enid and Todd are just arriving at the dance, who was Elizabeth galloping towards like that??). Finally, the camera man decides to get up and stop filming the entrance while the characters pose and cuts to some more bad dancing.
Then some stupid un-informed girl comes up to Jessica and is all like “hey Liz, I voted for you for prom Queen”. Is this the first time this girl is seeing her? Does Elizabeth ever look like that?! Anyway, Jessica bitchily replies with her typical “I’m Jess-ica”. Actually this might just be another stupid attempt to show how similar they look. Maybe they’ve forgotten it’s TV and we can just see it for ourselves, WHATEVER. Then the dumb extra is all “oh, sorry, you guys look so alike!” WE GET IT!. I wonder how many more of these “mistakes” were going to be subjected to..
Anyway cut to Liz and Enid (the show does the a lot where they just jump back and forth between characters, but not even just when it’s called for, I think they did it every time someone forgot a line, (which if that’s the case, it happened a lot)and they start discussing how Todd and Elizabeth are having problems and they have a lame “look now, he’s there, no not now, now” Blah. Liz eventually makes eye contact with him and they “exchange” (never understood why the book writers referred to this as “exchanging glances, and even now I can only venture a guess – in fact, I just had this conversation with another SV-obsessed friend) hurt and disappointed and a little bit self-righteous looks. Actually, I suppose you could say Todd’s look is more blank. Here’s a quick depiction of those longing and wordless stares. So so pathetic.
Anyways, cut back to Jessica, Random Black Girl (who will be RBG from now on) and Lila. They’re basically discussing how Jessica is offering dates for votes. Seriously? I live in Canada so we don’t have this homecoming King and Queen crap, but is it really that big of a deal?? They also seem to have this weird dancing thing going on, it’s not dancing and it’s not standing still, it’s just this kind of lame hip-swaying thing.
Ugh, cut BACK to Winston and Todd talking about this Todd and Elizabeth fight, (oh dear God! People care way too much- it’s like Gossip Girl, whyyyy does the entire city care about who Serena is dating? Do you care about what some random high schooler is doing?!) So this fight is about Todd making all of Liz’s decisions for her, whatever Liz, you’re a doormat, you deserve it. Winston says “too bad girls don’t have an instruction manual.” Yes, Winston, because that’s the onlyyy thing you would need to get a date. Ha! Cut back to Elizabeth continuing same boring conversation with Enid. What I really don’t understand is why Liz and Todd are asking two people who have probably never been on a date for love advice. I get that they’re your best friends and all that, but what advice could they possibly offer you. Especially with Winston’s instruction manual comment and Enid’s “I wouldn’t mind being smothered by someone who looks like Todd” Shut the hell up, Enid, that’s not advice, it’s just desperate and pathetic. Side note: I also think Enid has a strong girl crush on Liz with her puppy dog stares and constant following and worshiping. Anyway, apparently Todd nominated Liz for homecoming queen and she’s pissed. Apparently, Liz couldn’t pull out of the running because the ballots were already printed. Again, I must ask, is this all really such a big deal?! If it was my high school, the bad kids who were made to stay after school would just be writing them out, we sure as hell wouldn’t be actually printing them out. Whatevs. Liz wraps up this scene for us with a “these are just popularity contests, they’re so shallow” You just wait Liz, you just wait. Cut to Jessica saying she’s so psyched to be homecoming queen (I guess another subtle way to show their differences) and Lila’s jealousy is just emanating through. Suddenly, I think they “whistle in appreciation…” (seriously, Francine used to think this was an okay way to phrase a pick up line) at some old dude walking in.
Cut to what appears to be a 30 year old buff, and studly man, who is as ugly as the grass is green. You just know he’s going to be a creep. Why the hell is this guy at a high school dance?? So he’s a freshman in college, again, I must ask, why the hell is he here – him being here is just plain inappropriate? Since there are four seasons to this show, I’m going to assume these girls are in grade 9 or 10 max. EW, Scott, you’re sad. Date Enid, she could use the self-esteem boost that I’m sure you could provide. But again why the hell is he here?!?!?! Who invited him?!!?!? Did he come with some tramp?!?!?! What the hell?!?!?! And that outfit he’s wearing is absolutely horrible. Argh, he’s so gross, I cant even put it into words. Why is he even ALLOWED into this high school dance?? At my high school dances we weren’t even allowed to have kids from other high schools show up, let alone college kids!
Let’s just move on and get that disturbing image out of our heads. Cut to Jessica, who for crying out loud is being confused again for Liz. Seriously, is this their first day?! How do people not notice the way she’s dressed or the fact that she’s with Lila and RBG? Anyway so Jessica calls this guy a “doofus” (ah 80s insults) for mistaking her for Liz and he makes some stupid expression because he seems to automatically see his mistake and walks away.
Cut to front of the gym, which let me just mention is decorated really nicely. Bruce steps up to the microphone to announce King and Queen. Why is it him? When did he become Mr School Spirit, or apparently “President of the Sweet Valley Homecoming Committee” What in the world did he do to get stuck with that. Bruce reminds me of someone who would be caught making out with some girl in a closet or something or oooh his 1BRUCE1 Porsche. So he announces Amy who is pictured below. Why, why does she look like this? Did the casting people not notice how so not like the book cover-Amy she looks. What the hell? Amy was supposed to be pretty in high school not this Sweet Valley Twins tomboy Amy! Grr! And then he calls out Elizabeth Wakefield who is standing beside Enid and who throws her hand in the ayer while Liz gives everyone a disapproving look for being part of such a degrading custom. Then he calls out Jessica Wakefield, who of course poses and looks all happy and everyone in the crowd cheers her on. Of course they do. Given Amy’s look and the fact that they haven’t once mentioned her in the show aside from this, I think it’s safe to say she’s out of the running. Of course Liz wins since she is obviously the one who wanted it the least.
Needless to say, Jessica looks pissed and Lila looks pretty pleased with herself and I swear the beat to “I get knocked down” plays as Elizabeth walks up to get her tiara. She looks into the crowd and says “I’m not usually comfortable being in the spotlight” Let’s just see about that. Does this look like the face of someone who didn’t want to win Homecoming Queen. And then it’s time to announce the king.
Bruce goes back and he doesn’t actually state the nominees for this one, I guess this one isn’t as important? Somehow Winston wins. Whatever. He goes up to make his speech with some lame kissing Lila Fowler joke which I think was stupid coz really Winston, even in 6th grade, we all know you didn’t get a girl. Actually, book Winston had a lot of game, he could have got all these girls, but TV Show Winston is a loser. Then Manny plays the dance music for these two to have their first dance. The two bust out with some random and ridiculous dance. I don’t even have words for it, especially because this win was such a surprise I cant imagine these two just had this dance number in their back pocket for when the occasion arose?? Because really, while they’re in high school, the occasion never should have risen. Liz ends off her dance with an expression of “whoa, I cant believe all these people were watching us” and looking all innocent and embarrassed, well guess what, you should look embarrassed. That was HIGHLY inappropriate and will forever be known as the Sweet Valley Style Sex Dance (SVSSD). The only possible thing that could have been more inappropriate was if Mr Collins was there smiling gleefully and cheering them on from the corner.
I have no words for this. Of course, Todd’s there looking like Satan, ready to kick the crap out of Winston. AHAH. That kind of makes this dance even better. Anyways, after this inappropriate-ness Winston goes up to Jessica and I can only imagine he was going to ask her to lay those moves that she no doubt taugh Liz on him. She rejects him. Ah hell, nice try Winston. Anyway, Liz confronts Todd and asks him to dance and Todd’s all “oh are you still mad” and she claims that just because she won (and did a stupid dance) mean she’s okay with what he did and that they still have a problem. To be fair, if I was in Todd’s shoes I would also have guessed she was fine. He declines the ofer to dance, probably because it wouldn’t be the SVSSD. HHAHAHAHAHAAHAH. Stupid foolish Todd. To me the picture of Todd with his hands on his hips and Liz’s facial expression just scream “Elizabeth, *in a scolding voice* do you know what you were doing out there??” “Yes, Todd I did know and if you weren’t busy being so mad you could have enjoyed it” “Well Liz, I didn’t enjoy it, not for a second, … now if you were to do it with me…”
Anyhoo, cut to Studly Scott coming creepily up to Liz and then they dance. He inappropriately looks down her dress. Whyyyy is he here?! Seriously. Whoooo does he know here?! Creeper. She looks back at Todd and he’s walked out of the gym. Guess he’s had enough of the homecoming festivities. Cut to Jessica who’s talking to Amy is bitching about how Elizabeth stole her title and her man, (not to mention her moves!!). Amy just stands there silently twiddling her thumbs. In my opinion, I would have to suggest that the producers thought Amy was so ugly and terribly cast that her punishment should be to have no lines and to just look like a mute. She pulled it off well. Studly Scott and Liz are still dancing.
Cut to the next day: Liz is writting on her million year old laptop in Notepad with Size 18 font, and Jessica comes in and tosses a magazine at her telling her to look at some Wonderbra ad that would enhance her cleavage. Anyway Studly Scott calls for Elizabeth and asks her out and she politely declines. Of course, Jessica is there badgering her like a little annoying money and she eventually gives in. I dont know why Liz thinks Jessica actually cares about her, and Jessica’s so annoying about this too just in her face the entire time she’s on the phone. If that was my sister, I’d shove her to the floor.
Cut to school the next day? Possibly the same day, and Enid and Liz are talking about who write the gossip column and you already know it’s Liz. Apparently there’s some tradition that if the gossip columnist gets found out before the end of the school year or something they get thrown in the pool. Whatever. Just to draw your attention to an earlier scene when Jessica comes into her room and drops the magazine on her desk, Liz claims its just hack journalism. You write the gossip column! You are not a great writer either! Why do they even have a gossip column, where’s Caroline Pearce?! And why are they allowed to have this, isn’t this wrong and against school ethics? Aren’t you not supposed to gossip, even if you think its innocent like Liz probably does? Ah it’s SVH, that answers alot. Then they talk about personal ads and Enid talks about what her desperate one would say, and it’s too boring to even retype. Anyway, with that facial expression Enid, I don’t see much working in your favor, personal ad or not.
Then Todd walks in through the same door Enid has just darted through and they have an awkward conversation where Todd says he owes her an apology. They smile and hug and kiss and Liz stupidly believing Todd has put even one brain cell to use by thinking about this think he’s going to apologize for everything and he basically apologizes for not dancing with her. Really, Todd?! Anyway, she gets mad again and he finds out she’s still going to go out with Scott and she looks surprised and mad that Todd looks mad about this. They never actually broke up, how can you just go out with some other guy. What kinda relationship is that?!
Cut to the Wakefield House – Jessica is calling Scott and pretending to be Liz and pulling that good old twin switcheroo on him. She tells him she’ll just meet him at the party instead. Liz walks into Jessica’s room in a hideous green dress with that equally hideous pink sweater, I swear it’s glued onto her body. Anyway, she asks Jessica how she looks, who pretty much shoots it down and thinks about how she can make the outfit slightly less uglier, and she gives Liz a red blazer. I actually really like the blazer by itself. It looks like it fits really nicely. BTW: Liz is wearing those white socks and brown boots again. Why does she think they go with dress, or anything really?! Anyhow, Jessica keeps the ugly pink sweater for herself. Why does Liz think that Jessica is ever going to help her with something that doesn’t promote her own self interest? Really now. They’ve been twins for like 16 years.
Cut to Jessica and Studly Scott at the dance, and he’s incredibly amazed with her bra enhanced cleavage, which she makes no issue about sticking out for it to get the whole effect. (P.S. It cuts to Liz for a second, sitting on the steps in her dress and blazer being stood up). I wish you could see these two dance, the pictures don’t do it justice. I dont want to say it’s better than the SVSSD but its pretty up there. Jess is there sticking out her chest, Studly Scott is staring down it. It’s just screaming pervert and creepy.
Cut to Liz and Todd; Todd is throwing a ball or something at a tree? Then they show some carving of T+E= love. So then these two were definitely in a serious relationship and she was really ready to go out with someone else. Ugh. I also don’t think Liz would have approved of vandalizing a tree like that. Anyway, long story short, they talk through their fight, makeup and kiss. End of that crap. Todd says Liz is the best thing to ever happen to him. Aww, bleh. That’s really not saying much.
Cut to Jessica and Scott – still dancing. Jessica (as Liz) keeps playing “Jessica” up and Scott is being all creepy. Jessica mentions theyre twins and Scott is all like “double my pleasure” CREEP. DOUCHE. She offers to set him up with “Jessica” and he says he’ll think about it. Really?? I would do that just to test the guy and if he said “ill think about it” that would have been an automatic fail. Honestly. I’d just smack him so hard. Of course he’s still being a creep and looking down her shirt. Ugh.
Cut to Lila running into the Moon Beach to Enid, Winston and RBG – why are they friends?! I dont understand it. She states that Liz is the gossip columnist and they’re all like what? huh? no? it cant be? Liz is too honest! Liz is our god! Its not her! No never.Then Liz and Todd walk in and Enid’s literally all like “El-lizabeth, Todd-d??? What are you guys doing together!??!” and I swear you can hear Enid’s sniffling and gasps and even her heart breaking a little and they claim how in love they are with each other. Some drunk guy comes in with two girls and hes like “hey I know you [to Liz] I met you at so and so party with Studddly Scott” and she’s like “no it wasn’t me.” Hmm, if he’s claiming to see you and it isn’t you, who else could it possibly be. And this goes on for a couple of minutes and then they clue in to it being Jessica. Brilliant detectives these two are.
Cut to Jessica and Scott: Scott is pouring her a drink and they’re sitting in a room alone because Jessica stated earlier that she had something to tell him. Scott’s tight sweater is bunching everywhere and he illegally gives the 16 year old a rum and coke. He tries to put the moves on her and crap and he’s all “you were going to tell me something” and she says “you blew it!” wtv. She then dumps her drink which falls like molasses over his head. He calls her Liz and she’s all pissed because he confused her, but really Jessica, can you blame him. You basically told him you were Jessica. How the hell is he supposed to know? Hands down he’s a creep, but thisss is not his fault. Anyway she replies “I’m Jessica!” and stalks out. And guess whos there to save the day when Jessica gets out of the frat house: Elizabeth and Todd!.
So, Liz and Todd are driving up and they’re all like “wow we cant believe Jessica would do something like this” And I’m think “really?? coz I can definitely believe it, this is definitely something she would do, HAPPILY.” For some reason Liz is driving the Jeep. Why does she even have the Jeep? How did Jessica get to the party? Why did Liz need a car when she was technically going on a date..? Whatever, so Batman and Robin have appeared and Jessica is crying and they’re all “what happened?” and she says that Scott gave her alchol and tried to touch her or grab her or something, I dont know. Todd’s all like *CATCHPHRASE ALERT!!* “I’m going to kill that guy!!” and Liz is all like “no Todd, you’re not helping” AHAHAHA. I would have loved to see that fight. Scott looks like he could have lifted Todd like a branch and swung it around Tarzan style and killed him.
Cut to later that night and Jessica is knocking on Elizabeth’s door and apologizes to her (Liz is writing in her diary btw, probably about her fight with Todd and Jessica and Studly Scott) and because Liz is a doormat, she forgives Jessica and all is well again. They hug and make up.
Final scene: YAY! Schemers Todd and Elizabeth are at school and have their “Sneaky Schemer” hats on and basically Liz spills a drink on Jessica and offers her the hideous pink sweater to wear over. Jessica grudgingly accepts. By the way, in the nanosecond between the drink spilling on Jessica’s neck and top to focus on Elizabeth the liquid literally evaporates magically off Jessica’s neck. So stupid. Anyway, Liz makes some excuse to leave and Todd calls her Liz and everyone suddenly comes running down the hall literally like a herd of animals. It was impossible to even get a proper still of this scene because Enid was running so fast. Anything to see Liz in a wet shirt eh Enid? Lila makes some comment about how Jessica wouldn’t be caught dead in a sweater like that (the hideous pink one) which I actually crack up at. And then they all carry her to the pool to throw her in.From the main hallway you can hear them basically throw Jessica into the pool, the splash sound it makes, and then you can hear her say “Im going to kill you Liz” Alls well that ends well!
Book versus Show: the book by this same title is about Elizabeth riding on Todd’s motorcycle and falling off it and almost dying and all that crap. I don’t think this was necessarily “dangerous love” as much as it was “watch out for the creepy 30 year old at high school event” but then, they never asked me to name the episode.
Sorry for the picture quality, I promise it will get better (at least for season 1) – I’ll try and get stills off of actual dvds! Also, future recaps will be much shorter, this was just an awesome episode, what with all the dancing and everything, it just had to all be in there. By season 2, I imagine they’ll be about a paragraph with 3 pictures. We’ll see. Thanks for reading!